Foundation of a good
and happy marriage
A happy and good marriage is based on the following:
Caring
Caring is different from
smothering your spouse with love. Caring is loving and understanding, and
putting yourself in the other’s shoes to see the other’s point of view.
Caring is developing sensitivity to the fact that your
marriage partner has very different needs from your own.
Commitment
Always commit yourself to changing yourself first,
rather than your spouse. If you cannot change yourself, do not expect
your spouse to change. Also, if he does not choose to change, any
manipulative behavior, commanding, or nagging will not bring about
changes in your spouse.
Commit yourself with your spouse, in the beginning of a
marriage, to establishing a common value system or priorities, upon which both
of you will base your future decision-making, especially with regard to money
matters.
Communication
Communication is sharing both feelings and thoughts with
your marriage partner.
Communicate with confidence, not with sarcasm or venom.
Remember, the tongue is “a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” (James:
3:8-10)
Communicate in a timely manner. Timing is important: you can
say the right thing at the wrong time, and miss the mark.
Communicate your heartfelt feelings: express you needs and
wants in a specific yet non-demanding way to your spouse.
Make a list of your love needs—which must be specific,
achievable, and not requiring much time or money e.g. watching a favorite TV
program together.
Communicate with appreciation and wisdom.
For example, regarding forgetting your birthday and wedding
anniversary, do the following:
Let him know your feelings about
these dates.
Start a family calendar as a casual
reminder of important dates in your life.
If he remembers them, show your
appreciation; if he doesn’t, don’t punish him.
Communicate with honest sharing of
feelings. Affirm your spouse whenever he shares his feelings with you. This
promotes openness and sharing of feelings.
Communicate with understanding to a passive listener or a
reluctant communicator.
Most men are passive listeners: to acquire his unique
personality, a boy learns not to listen to his parents as he grows up
into adulthood.
To communicate effectively, do the following:
State precisely how you feel and
what you want.
Be selective, and prioritize you
needs.
Refrain from nagging or lecturing.
To many women, talking things out will make a relationship
work; to many men, continuing to talk things over means the relationship
is not working. Therefore, understanding this glaring gender difference
may put you in a difference perspective when communicating with your spouse.
Dealing with marital
conflicts
Marital conflicts are bound to occur in any marriage due to
the complexity of human personality and the difficulty in satisfying some of
the basic human needs.
Decline in sexual desire or frequency
Drop-off in post-marital sexual desire is common in
marriages due to the concern of sexual performance on your partner. Unlike you,
he cannot fake sex. So he may resort to decreasing the frequency to avoid the
frequency of poor performance. Understanding this male psychology may give you
better perspective when it comes to sexual matters in a marriage, especially in
a young marriage.
To help your partner overcome his lack of confidence or
interest, give him plenty of compliments, not criticism, during and after the
sexual act. Be patient, and more importantly, be honest with your own needs.
Compromising your own sexual needs may lead to frustration, which may
subsequently be reflected in undesirable marital behaviors.
If you want him to act like a young man, you have to begin
acting like a young woman to him yourself.
On the other hand, if sex is a lower priority in your
marriage, it is your choice, too.
Always choose a more effective total behavior that gets your
needs satisfied.
Nora Wise
Copyright© by Nora Wise
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